Steve Beaton Is Not For The Beating

Come on Steve! Bring the title home, beating Taylor was merely breakfast.

Lady's choice

Vomit

Have just been sick after seeing a group of women rapping on a new 'We buy any car.com' advert. You can't buy my fucking car. Wankers.

To cheer me up, a great Fast Show moment

Why Weller Why?

The legend, Paul Weller needs some cash to pay for Christmas. I am not impressed or a charity!

http://www.paulweller.com/news.php?item=378

Early Christmas Cheer

Bert and Ernie - Needs Watching

Otter Way To Have A Good Time

Busta Rhymes rules

I love ya ya ya ya and I will not apologise for it. It has been a big moment in the Colonel's history. There will always be a place at my table for Busta.

ap him down nurse

Strap him down nurse

Burning

I like burning money. I also like burning other stuff. Burning.

More of Coventry' Finest

As a fellow Coventrian, it gives me great pride to present another great specimen of Coventry talent. I am almost as proud as I'm sure the parents were. It's almost enough to bring a tear to my Jap's eye.

By tradition the bride should be blushing, but it was the marriage officials who were red in the face at the sight of Sam Taylor’s outfit.

Her tutu dress had less material than a decent veil and the sexy basque was more boudoir than bridal.

But for the fun-loving 24-year-old it was just the saucy porn princess-look she wanted.

The Willenhall glamour model wed sweetheart Rich Sharratt at Coventry Register Office on Friday.

The extrovert Coventry girl certainly stamped her personality on the occasion and has the honour of starring in the Register Office’s first porn star themed wedding.

Sam and Rich admit that not everyone was quite as enamoured with their outrageous event as them.

“The registrar looked me up and down,” Sam said. “And Rich kept telling jokes to try and make me less nervous too, so we didn’t think she was terribly impressed.

“All our mates were being loud too – she must have thought she’d never seen anything like it in her life.

“We just wanted to do something different, we like being different.

“If you go to any wedding most of them are the same. The bride is always wearing a long dress. I never wanted to do anything like that.

“I don’t want to be compared to anyone else. If we go down town and someone has a short skirt on I’ll be in hotpants.

“Quite a few people said we’d never go through with it, but we showed them.”

Sam’s outfit cost just £23 from eBay and Rich, also 24, who has just completed his gym instructor’s qualifications, was delighted.

“When we were celebrating afterwards I couldn’t help looking at everyone else staring at Sam,” he said.

“It might make some guys jealous, but I just felt proud. She looked beautiful, and she’s got the body to pull it off.

“I think a lot of girls would like to do something like this, but they haven’t got the bottle. You could never accuse my new wife of being like that though.

“It’s her personality, she loves to stand out, and she’s entitled to on her wedding day.”

The couple, who have been together six months, are planning to renew the vows in a church ceremony next year.

Must See

If you get the chance, make sure you check out The Office Season 5, episode 3. The first couple of minutes when Michael and Dwight are running through the birth of Jan's baby is one of the funniest scenes I have seen in a long time.

The Four Tops

Please don't write the Four Tops off if you have just seen Buster. Bernadette is a fucking awesome song. Also, WWF or WWE wrestling is rubbish if you don't know any of the characters

The Colonel's Favourite Song

Stevie Wonder - I Don't Know Why (I Love You).

Drunk Blogging

The Colonel is experimenting with drunk blogging. Usually at this point, the Colonel would be either, Playing music, watching England win the world cup in 2003 or watching a music based DVD (such as 24hr Party People). Tonight it's the IPOD (changed the old life there Ted) and listening to Al Green as loud as I like without the working wife hearing and having some wrestling nonsense in the background. With no sound, it does look a bit like a gay porn advert but these boys are clearly athletes, I am aware of the work of the legend that is the Iron Sheik. The typing takes a while too what with all the alcohol but patience is the key. Couple of birds going at it now on the telly, very plastic but Al is so awesome that nothing matters.

Raw Sex Memories

The Truths of Booths #2

After Coventry's win against Portsmouth on the first day of the season, Aidy Boothroyd asked people not to get carried away as the league doesn't sort itself out and teams are not correctly placed until after ten games into the season.

On the eve of Coventry's tenth game of the season, Aidy said:

"Usually you say leagues tend to sort themselves out after 12 games, but this year I think it will probably take 24 or 30 because you just don’t know what’s going to happen."

Liar?

The Truths of Booths #1

Aidy Boothroyd stated that he has no intention of signing Marlon King, he is just good friends with 'misunderstood' Marlon but he will absolutely not be playing football for Coventry City.

Marlon?

King?

Liar?

Just a great picture

I agree, we shouldn't have added those mushrooms that Disco Dave gave us to the burger stew we had for lunch

Important Panda Advert

This has been brought to my attention and you need to see it:

John Virgo's Trick Shot (Whisky)

Now i know I've had a gripe with snooker commentators before (Ken Doherty who remains to be shit), but I have to comment on JV for clearly being drunk during all broadcasts. There are not many who can get that many words wrong, do that amount of slurring and be such a class act without being pissed. Keep it up JV, snooker is a better and drunker game with you behind the mic. If only the players were allowed a drink, we could get new legends to fill the boots of long time Colonel hero, big Bill Werbeniuk.

Shit Chris Rea impression

Virgo hard at work

I need a hero

Oh Dear Cyrille

After seeing Cyrille Regis talking about the Coventry game which he said he was at, I don't believe he was paying attention. I know the game was boring but the Coventry old boy would surely check that Gary Mcsheffrey is not Freddy Eastwood before he said it on national TV. It's lucky that our Cyrille has enough favour with me otherwise I may not have been able to forgive him.

Cyrille Regis Makes an Appearance on 'Goals on Sunday'

Nice to see the Coventry legend getting a bit of tv time. Very well deserved and certainly going someway to repaying my Sky bill this month.

The 2010 strongman competition was a bit easy this year

King gets past the Coventry Guard

Interesting to see Marlon King and family at the Ricoh to watch the game against Derby. Before any speculation could be made though, Aidy Hoofroyd said to the press that he invited him, he is going to talk to him after the game and he wants him to be a Coventry player. He also went onto to say that he has been a model professional when he last managed him, he is a changed man now and that he wouldn't be a problem at Coventry.

Well that settles it then.

King: Has my career come to this, trying to get a job at Coventry? Don't they know who I am? Wait didn't that get me into trouble last time?

Sky Blues Shit but Still Butt the Rams

A dour TV performance from the Sky Blues however there were some good individual performances, most noticeably from man of the match Ben Turner and the surprisingly impressive Clive Plattini. Despite this, Coventry won the game 2-1, went temporarily top of the league, won all of their home games so far and have not lost in the league yet either.

This is very early days but my mind may be for changing on Aidy Hoofroyd as i was not pleased with his initial appointment. Since then though, he has said the right things and we have had some good results so far. The jury is still out.....

Genius or Frank Spencer?

Mad Swedish Twins (not in a good way)

This is mental. It's worth doing some reading around the area too because one of the twins goes onto stab and kill someone just a few days later. Fuckin' nuts!

Hungry American Goes Mad for Nuggets

This is a video which shows what happens when Melodi Dushane of Toledo Ohio found out that the fast food outlet she visited could not provide her with chicken nuggets because they were still serving their breakfast menu.

Notice how the next car pulls up to make their order

Hammer Brought Down on the Hair

MC Hammer rocking the smooth noggin!

Someone touched it

The Fairy Jobmother meets The Fatty Gob-sloth-er

This refers to the second episode of the programme and is something I wanted to post about at the time but I have had to wait for some suitable pictures. The following pictures show the lovely family that the Fairy 'Biggest Tits in Doncaster' Jobmother was trying to help. Whilst watching the programme, Lady Critic said the following "Get a wash, get a grip and get a job' (I think this may have been followed by 'you work shy racist bastards' or that could have been me adding that). The wife has managed to say in one short sentence what the 'Biggest Tits in Doncaster' failed to get close to in one whole edited hour.

Family mis-fortunes

Good genes

Goes to show that in-breeding can still have sexy results

Tits-mother

When the Jobmother leaned in, the concentration levels in the mock interview dropped

Fifty Posts and Counting

As a way of marking my half century and as a treat for the readers, here are a few videos from the Colonel's personal collection (although not the personal collection from under the bed).

Dutch Idiot Fun

These people are willing to accept Steve Mcclaren's accent so there is no surprise in the below.

Woman embarrassed by insurance claim pants

A woman who reported a pair of expensive ski trousers stolen forgot to take them off before going to the police station.

She had hoped to claim back the insurance. The 23-year-old from Holland was on holiday in Austria when she tried to make her claim.

She told police in Erpfendorf in Tyrol that her skis and ski-wear had been stolen. But she confessed to attempted fraud after police officers pointed out that she was wearing them.

She told police: "I was so nervous about making the claim that I forgot to take the trousers off. I wanted the insurance money for university."

The case has been handed over to the Erpfendorf public prosecutor who will decide whether to press charges for attempted fraud.

After the incident with the trousers, the redeeming trip to ITV didn't go so well

Twitter's Finest Achievement

The Colonel Tweets!

http://twitter.com/colonelcritic

Robbing Bastard

To whomever stole the wheel trim from the Colonel's Jeep, I hope you lose your hand in a rectal examination of a flatulent Cow whilst being bummed by an angry dog.

The lads wore overalls for Cow Dogging

UFC117 - Fat Country Nelson Eats Punches

The first fight on the UFC117 card turned out to be a corker in that Fat Country obliged in taking punches in what could have been a training session for Junior Dos Santos. We learnt two things in this, Fat Country can take a punch and Dos Santos can not just knock everyone out. Either way, great entertainment from punchbag Roy.

Athlete

John Howard Does Impressions

I know it's been a while but you don't become a very good couch potato without some good couch time!

UFC on VS (The Jon Jones vs Vladimir Matyushenko headline) had quite a slow fight with John Howard vs Jake Ellenberger on the card. However during the fight, John Howard started to do a Sloth impression from the Goonies to the point where the fight had to be stopped. Unfortunately this picture doesn't do it justice but it was the best I could get:

Impressionist, not up to the standard of Phil Cool

Double take

Uncanny

Crank: High Voltage (2009)

Ultimately this is not as good as Crank, but it still delivers on action, gunfights, general violence, sex and nudity. The hand-held camera still proves to be the right format for this making the action more believable and the pace faster. There is even a cameo for The Dean of Mean, Keith Jardine and the plot is still pretty much non-existent which allows for more action and violence.

However, some of the scenes are verging on stupid rather then just funny which doesn't always work and the ending is stupid. It leaves the feeling that the directors couldn't work out a ridiculous way to kill him off this time whilst still being able to carry on the now franchise.

The action scenes pull it through though and Jason Statham is brilliantly cast in this. It is perhaps the likeability of the character which makes the Crank series stand out from other action films.

Although I did end up enjoying this, I'm not looking forward to watching the third Crank instalment as much as i was looking forward to this film.

The Colonel can only give Crank: High Voltage 3.1 out of 5.

Nipples?

The diet had gone to far

World matchplay 2010 #4

Ok a good night last night for predictions, the score currently lies at 7-5 in favour of correct predictions.

Unfortunately due to being at the barracks, I've missed the afternoon session so straight onto the evening session:

Van Barneveld (Co Stompe v Raymond van Barneveld)

Taylor (Kevin Painter v Phil Taylor)

Kevin had just won a wager with Penfold (background)

Crank (2006)

Pleasantly surprised to find that this is actually quite good. It is an action film and it does what it says on the tin, there are fights, chases and crashes galore mixed in with some fine bullets! It is also interspersed with some giggles and well timed wit coupled with a pinch of sex and nudity.

What more do you want! Because of this it has avoided the Colonel's Gash-o-meter and can be graded normally. Crank receives a well deserved 3.75 out of 5. (Realise I've gone decimal here but felt it was needed).

Crank...rhymes with wank

World matchplay 2010 #3

Another score draw last night so overall score currently stands at 4-4.

Tonight's predictions:

Anderson (Gary Anderson v Jelle Klaasen)

Painter (Kevin Painter v Mark Walsh)

Taylor (Steve Beaton v Phil Taylor) (Although come on Steve!)

Whitlock (Simon Whitlock v Steve Brown)

Place your bets now!

A special mention has to go out to Buster Bloodvessel who sang Mark Walsh's intro on Tuesday night. It was some horrendous miming but hilarious at the same time and being as the last time I saw old Buster, he was in a nappy trying to entertain a small crowd at a rugby club, I think he has still got his dignity. Good lad Buster!

Weight Watchers were taking a gamble with their 2010 slimmer of the year promo shot

The Colonel's Special Picture of the Day (pictures may not be published daily) #1

A page filler, but a good one:

Sexy

World matchplay 2010 #2

Ok, so two out of two right yesterday in my predictions but one of those was very close and the other was thankfully the Bronze Adonis marching on towards The Power!

Today's predictions:

Baxter (Jones vs Baxter)

Webster (Stompe vs Webster)

Wade (Van Der Voort vs Wade)

Van Barneveld (Tabern vs Van Barneveld)

At the minute the score against myself is 2-2. I also realise this is possibly the start of a split personality or an imaginary friend, either way giggles to come!

Ronnie's wanking practice paid off when trying to beat the camera for speed

World Matchplay 2010

Can't see past Phil Taylor in this one, it would be mad to bet against him. I was disappointed to see The Bull (Terry Jenkins) go out last night but he was never going to win this tournament. A special mention for Steve Beaton (The Bronze Adonis) after recently discovering that he is a Coventry City Fan and was born in the motherland and not Birmingham as was first thought. For that Steve, i am truly sorry.

Also great to see Buster Bloodvessel at the tournament tonight and for everyone who would like to take the Colonel's advice for a wager:

Tournament winner prediction: The Power

Tonight's winners:

Painter (Lloyd vs Painter)

Dudbridge (Walsh vs Dudbridge)

Taylor (Taylor vs Bates)

Nicholson (Nicholson vs Beaton) (Still rooting for Beaton though)

Taylor's pointing starts a fight

The Adonis modelled his hairstyle on a horse

Chuck Liddell Teaches Coventrians How To Fight - Locals Learn Nothing They Didn't Already Know

Ex-UFC champion Chuck Liddell visits Coventry

FORMER UFC light heavy weight champion Chuck " The Iceman" Liddell visited the Alan Higgs Centre to teach a seminar with Coventry's martial arts school, The Way of the Spiritual Warrior.

The only question to be asked here is why? Please provide your own answers.

Chuck's dance classes were really taking off

Inglorious Basterds (2009)

If you like violence, you'll like Basterds. The scalping is particularly good, and not really an art that has been visited since Last of the Mohicans. The action is nicely built by large periods of suspense, the bar scene highlighting this particularly well.

There isn't a bad performance in the film and in fact big glowing references go to Christoph Waltz playing the brilliant Col. Hans Landa and Brad Pitt playing Lt. Aldo Raine.

The pace of the film switches quickly from slow to fast throughout which aids the suspense being built and Tarantino directs the action with his trademark gore (if that is the correct word). The bottom line is, whether you like the film or not, you can always guarantee that Tarantino will get the violence right.

Overall the Colonel can only give this 4 dead Nazis out of 5.

Brad tried not to be smug about the massive smell he had just made

World Cup 2010 Round-up Part Two

I forgot, the other best thing about the 2010 World Cup is.....France. Quality madness of the highest order.

Raymond Domenech's kenneth Williams impression went down well during team talks.

Disco Baby, Sexy Baby, Hot!

As it's been such a long break since posts recently, as a treat, the Colonel has looked for a good Micky Disco video for your enjoyment.

Also as a bargain:

And because i can't resist:

World Cup 2010 Round-up

Ok apart from some extremely poor football from England, the highlight of the competition came in the final when Nigel De Jong kicked Xavi Alonso in a move which looked like he was trying to stop his heart. This is also one of the best fouls i have seen in the past few years where he has gotten away with just a yellow card. Great stuff, there should be more violence in football.

The second best bit of the competition actually happened in the presentation of the trophy. The comedy situation of the celebrating Spanish right in front of a load of unhappy Dutch fans and Sepp Blatter and Jacob Zuma getting stuck in with the celebrations at the same time was brilliant. The comedy duo feigned smiles whilst they were desperately trying to escape like a couple of claustrophobics trying to get away from a bad fart. Although the video is not brilliant, this is worth a watch.

Big Brother Contestant Enjoys the Good Life

BIG Brother star Bex Shiner has a new job – starring topless on a TV porn channel.

Coventry’s former reality TV show contestant is now appearing topless on pay-per-view channel Television X two days a week.

The saucy 22-year-old talks to callers wearing just underwear while lying on a bed in front of the cameras. The work – on the channel with the catchline “British Porn on Your TV” – comes just two years after she was catapulted to stardom in the famous reality TV show house.

“I just lie there in front of the TV camera and dirty men ring me up,” she said.

“I don’t talk dirty to them or anything, I just talk normally to them. I’m just going to do it now because it’s loads of money.”

The former nursery assistant says she earns £400 for a six-hour shift and has been doing the work for a month. She claimed to have earned £100,000 in the first year after being booted out of the house but had recently turned to hosting Anne Summers lingerie parties after celebrity work dried up.

She now lives back with her mum in Coundon and just last year gave talks with Coventry University students about her experiences in the Big Brother house.

I am very pleased to see that Coventry has finally got a representative in the soft porn industry. It's about time that a Coventry Kid was promoted to Jenna Jameson fame. Let's just hope those 'dirty men' know what a bargain they are getting from this midlands beauty.

Removing a crumb

Bex farts

She has always wanted to be a singer

Hard-working Bex's back goes

Explanations

Ok, i must apologise for the long absence. I have been deported to Eygpt and managed to return (which is a big relief because apart from the massive Macdonald's food it was not somewhere i'll be returning to in a hurry), and then there was a football competition of some sort which required my attention.

I will be back on track from now on with the regular posting although nothing substantial tonight apart from i have had to hear the wrath of wife regarding the news that Take That are reforming as a fivesome. They will be requiring more money from their fans to support this though so look forward to that. Please note i have made no reference to 'the boys' being massive homosexuals and bum bandits as the old bread knife may read this.

Just as a teaser, likely future posts: Coventry City/Aidy Boothroyd latest, World cup round up, UFC116 (fucking awesome), possible zoo pictures and maybe even the Colonel's Annual Cleavage Awards (you must understand this will not contain any shots of the Colonel pushing the moobs together.

Until the next time....

Apologies - all will be explained about this blank post any my recent absence in time

Four Lions (2010)

This is a FUCKING FANTASTICALLY SHIT YOUR PANTS FUNNY FILM! Genius! Not much more needs to be said perhaps apart from if you haven't seen it then make that the next thing you do starting from NOW!

Faultless script, brilliantly directed, brilliantly acted, definately worth the entrance fee.

However, the Colonel can only give this 5 terrorist Crows out of 5.

Barrymore's Back!

Let's face it, he never went away. He has always been a comic genius but now he's bat shit mad, he's only got better. Admitted, there were bad shows like 'My Kind of people' and 'My Kind of Music' etc but he was always a great performer and a massive comic talent.

His latest appearance on 'Come Dine With Me' was wet your pants funny only aided by the morons he was on with. Fun House's Pat Sharp is clearly always fun in his mind and he was a great straight man to Barrymore's maddness, if only he'd go back on the booze the possibilities would be endless.

Despite this, it should be noted that if he asks you for a swim, it's always best to decline.

GET LOST!

This post refers to the entire Lost series. You set of bastards! What a waste of my time! Having quite enjoyed the first and second season, i felt like i had to see it through to the end despite being bored and finding it all stupid. The final four seasons could have been done in one, and even then it wasn't worth it because you answered nothing. You copped out! You took an easy route and still didn't explain about 85% of the rest of the nonsense. I am enquiring as to whether it is worth claiming through the courts for loss of time and if it is then the campaign starts here. We could go to Watchdog with this. For a full explanation of Lost, see this video:

Junior Apprentice Episode 3

What a bunch of cocks.

At least this Child is very good:

Muppet Babies - Junior Apprentice Episode 2

I hate all of these twats. I think i've realised why i like to watch the programme though, it is cheaper than anger management. An hour per week shouting abuse at children gets rid of the rage of the week, it is worth a try for those that haven't. There is nothing better than shouting 'I would happily piss in your eye sockets you fucking set of bastards' to arrogant twats who deserve everything that's coming to them. In fact, shouting at kids sounds like my retirement plan, shouting 'get out of my garden you scrotal bastard' to an unruly child sounds like what i'll be doing as soon as I get my stick (walking).

The episode was about selling camping equipment, they are all twats, that's all you need to know.

What's the Beef?

Stourton man accused of killing wife in row over overcooked beef

A STOURTON man is on trial accused of killing his wife during a row over how she had cooked the roast beef for his birthday dinner. Warwick Crown Court heard Jonathan Wicks complained that his wife Sarah had overcooked the beef and that triggered a row. He says he was acting in self-defence when he struck his wife after she had thrown plates at him.

“The act was a punch or a slap, but we say it was unlawful and it was violent, and he had no lawful reason to do it.” The dinner party was held to celebrate Wick’s birthday, one guest described their hosts as ‘a devoted loving couple,’ but said they could be cantankerous with each-other although nothing which could be described as vicious. The court heard how Sarah prepared roast beef, and during the meal there was some upset between them.

Wicks complained the meat had been overcooked, which upset Sarah, on top of which she had bought him a present he was planning to take back. Within half an hour of the guests leaving, Wicks made a 999 call. “It is likely he struck his wife moments after the last guest left because he said in the 999 call his wife had stopped breathing and was on the floor.”

When paramedics arrived Sarah was on her back on the kitchen floor, with broken plates on the floor and Wicks crouched down opposite the door He pleaded with them to do something to help her, and said: “What have I done? I’ve killed her. I hit her.” Mr Burbidge told the jury he had panicked and had driven away to Long Compton for about 20 minutes and then returned. He continued: “She was throwing plates at me and I hit her. Oh my God, what have I done? “It should be me lying there. Just hit me with a blunt object.” The trial continues.

It is a crime to eat overcooked roast beef.

Fat Chance

Photo of vomiting woman removed from Leamington show

A photograph showing an obese woman vomiting has been removed from an art exhibition in Warwickshire after people complained that it was offensive. The thumbnail-sized image taken from the internet formed part of an obesity art exhibition at the Bath Place Community Venture in Leamington Spa.

John Yeadon, who brought the collection together, said he was being censored. Mr Yeadon, a former fine arts lecturer at Coventry University, said: "There was no discussion on this, the work was just removed, censored and then nobody came to explain why."

The four removed images include a picture of an obese, naked man sitting at a computer, another obese, naked man whose skin overhangs the chair he is sitting on, a photo of an obese woman vomiting and another photo of an obese, naked woman eating cake. Mr Yeadon said he found the pictures while browsing online and decided to include them in his exhibition next to photos of fast food. The collection, which is called, Fat: The mortality of the eater and the eaten, also includes blown-up images of fatty foods and the last meals of convicted US murderers that have been half eaten.

Mr Yeadon was browsing for what exactly? Did Mr Yeadon have the snake unleashed at the time. Dirty Mr Yeadon! This photo is dedicated to you.

Oh Dear

Coventry City name Aidy Boothroyd of Colchester United as new manager

Coventry City have confirmed Aidy Boothroyd as their new manager, with the 39-year-old signing a three-year contract at the Ricoh Arena.

Colchester United gave Boothroyd permission to speak to the Sky Blues earlier this week and duly agreed compensation with the Championship club before negotiations had been completed between the manager and his prospective new employers.

But that deal has now been finalised and the former Watford manager has officially succeeded Chris Coleman, who was sacked shortly after City finished 19th, having endured a sorry late slump for the second campaign running.

Ray Ranson, the former Manchester City defender who is Coventry chairman, hopes Boothroyd can follow his achievements at Vicarage Road and be the man to take Coventry back to the Premier League, from where they were relegated in 2001.