Friday 30 April 2010

A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)

The Colonel has only seen a trailer for this but is still very excited despite not seeing the point and not expecting it to be any good. Why bother unless you've got the legend of Robert Englund playing Freddy? Also how can you improve on what was a very good film, this would be better suited as a prequel or as an addition to the franchise.

Still, despite all of this the Colonel will lap it up like a hungry cat as both good Freddy (from the original, arguably number 3 and the new nightmare) and also comedy freddy (everything else) hold great entertainment.

The verdict is out but the Colonel can only give the trailer 3 and a half pokes in the eye with the famous Freddy glove out of 5.

Monday 26 April 2010

Valkyrie (2008)

Do you know, not as bad as other (lower ranked) critics would have you believe. Ok it is agreed that the accents are stupid. For those who don't know, the film about German officers during World War Two, and set in Germany is in English and with a mixture of American and English accents. What doesn't make any sense is why they bothered making Hitler put on the German accent. Nothing to do with the accents or language really made any sense but this was made so it could reach a wide audience which includes those people who refuse to watch a film if it's subtitled.

The film though is not brilliant but entertaining, the pace is slow but constant, and even though the Colonel knew the ending due to this being based on true events, there remained a thought throughout of, 'can Hollywood pull this off and can they succeed?'.

The answer is of course no, otherwise it would have been based on true events which didn't actually happen.

As the cast was so good, any dreary parts of the plot were carried along without too much fuss and the inaccuracy of the history didn't cause any problems so overall this is fairly entertaining.

The Colonel can however, only give this 3 and a half Heil Hitlers out of 5.

Valkyrie

Friday 23 April 2010

Fighting (2009)

Fighting

This picture is all you need see for this film. It is slow and quite boring, the fight scenes are annoying because they are somewhere inbetween good and so bad they are comical which is very frustrating. Fight fans will not be impressed and neither will film fans. This may appeal to teenage boys and that is about the level that the dialogue is aimed at.

Do not bother to watch this, but if you are a teenager then check out Bloodsport for the quality one liners and better characters.

The Colonel can only give Fighting 1 slap to the chops out of 5.

To appease fight fans, the following video should suffice.

The Genius of Alan Partridge



The Colonel is convinced that if Partridge thinks hard enough, his foot will explode. That is genius. The Colonel can only give the genius of Partridge 5 Norwich based broadcasters out of 5.

The Colonel is also aware that he is clutching at straws here, especially now Friday has arrived and there are other things to do then go to the Barracks.

Thursday 22 April 2010

Paul Weller - Strange Town



This song was the best of the set when the Colonel saw this tour at the Warwick Arts Centre. The Colonel can only give this 5 happy Colonel's out of 5.

Paul Weller - Wake Up The Nation



From a completely bias point of view, the Colonel believes this to be very good indeed. The Colonel can only give this 4 happy Weller fans out of 5.

Wednesday 21 April 2010

Knowing (2009)

The Colonel can guarantee that there is nothing here which you haven't seen before. Nicholas Cage is still very wooden and shit, Aliens are very clever so don't bother messing and an explosion is imminent (although not the pants kind that smells).

If you want to pass the time then this is fine, it won't offend but don't expect fireworks (after hiring Cage, there wasn't the budget for that).

Overall the Colonel can only give this 2 and a 1/2 ends of the worlds out of 5.

The Colonel's Drive Home From Work

Fairly normal until a white van got behind the Panzer. The Colonel checked the rear-view mirror to see a topless man on a pleasant but not hot day. The colonel was wearing a fleece and perhaps did not need it but still, no need for skins!

If only female drivers could be encouraged to do the same, despite the temperature, losing some clothes in the car. Very good.

Overall the Colonel can only give the drive 3 and a 1/2 topless idiots out of five. The man may not have looked like the image below.

Ken Doherty's Presenting Skills on the 2010 Snooker World Championships

Somewhere in-between not good and really not good.

The Colonel can only give a quarter of 147's out of 5 simply for turning up.

Monday 19 April 2010

Britain's Got Talent - ITV - 17/4/10

Piers Morgan to very camp bloke with a crap cruise ship for a skateboard: "I would go cruising with you any time"

Piers confirms that he is big pals with George Michael in that one sweeping statement.

Only the half a posh twat out of five for this rubbish.

Wednesday 14 April 2010

UFC112

UFC112 was billed as one of the UFC's biggest events, being the first in UAE to satisfy their new investors and with two title fights which included two of their flagship fighters. This is not how it turned out however, as despite the controversy of BJ Penn losing a title which he owned and Anderson Silva making a complete twat of himself the fights were average if that.

It must be remembered that this sport is fighting and anything can happen, including shit performances but it was difficult to watch as the fighters involved should have done a hell of a lot better.

BJ Penn just looked like he could easily have won at any point, he looked like he was bored and chose not to up the pace or take Frankie 'The Answer' Edgar to the ground and snap his arm off. That is to take nothing away from 'The Answer' though, his gameplan worked, he had the stamina and never stopped moving his head. He even managed to get BJ to the ground for all of 2 seconds, not that it did him any good apart from in the judges eyes (one of which giving 'The Answer' every round assuming he must have been looking at the lovely ring girls on offer rather than the fight).

The performance of the judges didn't matter however because the action wasn't that brilliant, nobody went in for the kill which would have spiced it up a bit. However, by the standards of the Silva vs Maia fight, it was brilliant. Apart from a few strikes here and there in the first and second round, the best bit of the fight was watching the crowd turn on Silva for taunting Maia to a ridiculously disrespectful level and then run around him avoiding him, and when Maia managed to catch Silva with a few strikes in the last round. Enough said about it.

The usually aggressive Matt Hughes was not fighting as he usually would either. In his fight with Renzo Gracie (who entered the ring in a Man City shirt bizarrely, it is assumed that he is not a fan and likely that he is more interested in Man City's Arabic money), he looked like he was fighting his withered old uncle instead of a man who was being paid to be there, whether that be as a cometitive opponent or someone who was past it for that level. Hughes from appearances as a coach on the Ultimate Fighter comes across as a tool and usually is good value as a fighter due to him being so aggressive but here he just looked like he was letting the older 'legend' off the hook.

Other fights of notice were Terry Etim's loss to Rafael Dos Anjos. Despite looking good on his feet, Terry coped fairly well with a very good BJJ black belt on the floor but it was too much for him. Both come out with credit. Also a mention for Paul Kelly's win but unfortunately The Colonel hasn't been able to watch it as it was on the prelims and ESPN didn't show them. Anyone interested should use the internet machine to find it as it will be available somewhere.

Overall UFC112 can only receive 2 punches to the face out of 5 from the Colonel.